Envy

What would Dru do for a Klondike bar?

I would move into a house right next to a man who has everything I've ever wanted. He would flaunt his X-Box, his beautiful family, his Downhill ski set and his vintage Vesuvian Doppleganger Magic Card. I would embrace it. I would embrace it until a flame of envious rage began growing in my stomach. It would slowly go up to my heart. My heart would be on fire with the desire to destroy this man and take everything that is his.

That fire will only cool off with a Klondike bar. I will then sneak into his house in the middle of the night and grab his stack of Klondike bars. I would eat them.

I would then write on his stationary: "I am watching you while you sleep. You will know the pain of an envious man. That is what I'd do for a Klondike Bar."

And that is a true statement.

Sloth

What would Dru do for a Klondike bar?

I would fuck a Sloth for a Klondike bar.

Pride

What would Dru do for a Klondike Bar?

I would easily go through the hubristical challenges of an ancient Grecian king in order to taste the sweet sweet inards of a Klondike bar, surrounded by the thin chocolate layer.

I approach a soothsayer... the soothsayer, blind by her own hand, knows of my future... knows of my past... knows what is to be, what is to not be... knows the lengths I would go for a Klondike bar. She then tells me that I will receive this klondike bar in twenty years. But not until I kill my father.

Pah! I say. I will not kill my father for a Klondike bar...

Oh yes you will, she says.

Never! Say I. So I board a ship, never to return. Until 15 years later. And I do so not by accident, I do so not by fate, I do so by my own volition. Because unlike Oedipus I am willing to murder my father, marry my mother and speak in verse to a Grecian Chorus. But I do this for a Klondike Bar.

I return, immediately find my father... and murder him with a rad discus that I bought. I find my mother, and I marry her, only to become King of Greece. I let no one in on the secret that I know about all of this. Soon it is revealed to me slowly, methodically, I make a big show about it... getting angry at myself. Finally when the time is right I burst into the chamber and I put my eyes out with stakes. When I reemerge the town is horrified. They offer me soothing ice, I refuse, my pain is their pain. Then they offer me a Klondike bar to put on my face and stop the swelling. I say yes, but eat the Klondike bar and smile at the people.

I have tricked them.

I have gotten a klondike bar.

I am Hubris.

Gluttony

What would Dru do for a klondike bar?

Picture this hypothetical situation: There is a klondike bar. The only thing that stands between you and this klondike bar is a wall made up ENTIRELY of Klondike bars. And the only way to get to that klondike bar is to eat through the entire wall, 300 high, 100 thick, of Klondike bars. Let me do some math for you... that would equal 30,000 Klondike bars that I would have to eat to get to the bar in question, and then when you add one more, it's 30,001 Klondike bars. Would Dru do it.

Of course he would. It's a freaking Klondike bar.

You may ask: But why would you if you could just eat one of the 30,000 klondike bars?

I will answer: Because that doesn't truly show my devotion to Klondike.

I will only be able to show you how much I love Klondike bars when I have contracted Diabetes. Then you will know... you will know by the insulin shot that I am a Klondike fiend.